I've read other people's blogs and they sound so artsy or insightful in their writings. I feel like I'm just an average woman who: genuinely loves her husband, is really satisfied with her life, would like to make some new positive changes in some areas of her life-yet knows that everything will be okay if she doesn't, is crazy about a couple babies and is eager to see what the future holds in her relationship with them.
I'm just an average, ordinary, "normal" woman. maybe, in today's world, that would make me somewhat extraordinary. I don't have any crazy stories to share, no evil skeletons lurking in my closet, no horrible childhood memories that I've repressed, no negative comments to make about my husband...no old demons lurking around...it's just---me.
If that's the case, how in the world would I ever find daily, or even weekly, information to blog about? Who in the world would be interested in reading anything I would have to say? "The everyday average life of a somewhat normal woman"...
I guess the common theme right now would be regarding the babies. God has taken Dan and me through a valley and personal torment of infertility into an amazing and bright promise of a future that includes children who would call ME mommy. Imagine it...two (or three...more?!?) kids in my home who look to me for guidance, protection, education, provision and the name that they call me? Mommy. It's something that I've only dreamed of, never believed would happen, but at the same time knew it would. It's hard to explain.
I never pictured that it would happen in such a wonderful, yet horrible and stressful way. I never thought two beautiful infants would be set in my arms with such hope and promise...but with this dark cloud of "what-if" always looming nearby.
My head tells me to protect myself..."your assignment may only be temporary"...don't dive in too deep...but, my heart is already gone. It's been given away to these precious children who deserve EVERYTHING that Dan and I could ever offer. My heart refuses to believe that anything other than us being their mommy and daddy could happen....but my head tells me "stay prepared for the worst"
Our families love them and have already adopted them. I cannot bear to think of the devastation that not only Dan and i would experience, but our parents, siblings, and friends who've decided that these kids are our prayers answered.
How do we continue in this relationship with such a cloud of uncertainty hanging overhead? It all becomes so much clearer when you hold them and they "talk" to you, or when she's fussy and you quietly sing a silly song and she not only hears but KNOWS your voice and her fussing calms, she smiles and closes her eyes. Or when from across the room you say "where's my handsome boy?" and his eyes scan the room until he sees you and his little sounds say "I love you". Then, of course, there's the projectile spit-up....but that kind of takes away from the sweet euphoric picture I'm trying to paint.
I love them, they know me, they love us back with the capability of an infant and THAT is what keeps us going down the path. I truly believe that God would not have chosen us to travel it, along with the Rockeys :), if He did not believe that we'd have the strength to endure-not only the journey-but also the outcome.
Well, today I write a note in facebook, maybe tomorrow I'll type on my blog. Maybe I do have something to say...
Habakkuk 2:1-3
1-I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how he will answer my complaint.
2-Then the Lord said to me, "Write my answer plainly on the tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others.
3-This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
originally posted 12/8/08
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